Account Transfer
by MZephyr
Summary: Be careful what you wish for. A Ryoga centric story.


**Account Transfer  
By M. Zephyr**

Disclaimer: Ranma 1/2 is a trademark of Rumiko Takahashi and VIZ Communications, and its characters have been borrowed without permission. This story was written for non-commercial purposes only.

Be careful what you wish for. A Ryoga-centric story. Ranma/Akane pairing in the background, but their relationship is not central to the story. This is a minor crossover involving the character of Urd from _Ah My Goddess_. However, she's really a plot device more than anything else.

* * *

Ryoga Hibiki sat at home watching television and eating from a bag of stale potato chips. This was an unusual situation for the seventeen year old martial artist and sometime pig as it was only rarely that he found himself in his home. He had been born with a sense of direction which went so far beyond bad that it actively misled him away from his intended destinations. He spent more time lost than not.The television was on more for company than anything else, there being no one else at home. His parents suffered from the same problem with directions as their son.

At this particular moment, in spite of his accomplishment of finding his way home, he was feeling very depressed and full of self pity. In fact, Ryoga was barely taking any notice of what was on the TV screen in front of him. The previous day he had lost yet another duel with his long time rival Ranma Saotome. Later that same day he had seen Ranma walking down the street, holding hands with his fiancée Akane Tendo, for whom Ryoga himself had once held an unrequited crush. Seeking some ease for the pain in his heart, he had tried to find his way to the farm where his current girlfriend lived, Akari Unryu. Unfortunately, he had found his way home instead.

Life was just so unfair! Sometimes it seemed like that bastard Ranma had it all! Unbeatable at martial arts. A cute fiancée like Akane. A nice home with the Tendo's, including real food and not just whatever was left in the cupboards from the last time his mother found her way home. Ranma attended school regularly, and would likely graduate in a little over a year (nowhere near the top of his class, perhaps, but not quite at the bottom either from all reports). There were several girls other than Akane who chased Ranma around, and who would be more than willing to do anything for him at the crook of a finger. Yet Ranma still had the _nerve_ to complain about his life.

Ryoga looked down at the bag of potato chips. "Screw this," he announced to no one. He thought of the money in his pack. Reaching over to the small table beside the chair in which he sat, he picked up the telephone. He decided that he would order an American pizza, hoping that he'd be able to find his way to the front door when the delivery person knocked.

He dialed the number from memory. This was not the first time he had ordered takeout for dinner on the rare occasions when he found himself at home. _Ring_. Ryoga thought about the toppings he would want on the pizza. _Ring_. It would be a good idea to order something to drink as well. _Ring_. Come on pick up already. _Ring_. Do you want my money or not? _Ri_-.

"Hello. Goddess Relief Hotline."

"What?!"

"Hang on. I'll drop in for your consultation."

"Wait! Who is ..." Ryoga dropped the telephone as static filled his television screen and an arm emerged from it.

Ryoga watched in shock as a beautiful, daringly dressed woman stepped out of his television set. She was dark skinned with long white hair. There was a blue triangle on her forehead and another under each eye. There was also a mischievous, almost devilish, twinkle in her eyes.

"Who the hell are you?!" Ryoga demanded.

"No, that'd be Marller. I'm with the other guys. Heaven. My name is Urd." The woman looked like she was laughing at him behind her smile.

Ryoga sneered. "Heaven. Right. I suppose that makes you some kind of angel or goddess or something. Sure. A goddess decides to drop by and pay me a visit. Happens every day."

"Not every day. Just today," Urd told him. "I'm here to grant you a wish."

"A wish!" Ryoga spun around, thrusting his hands up in the air. "Oh yeah. Right! A wish! As if. Things like that don't happen to me. Ranma's the one who gets all the breaks. Not me."

Urd, a little nonplussed, asked, "Who?"

Ryoga turned back around. He answered bitterly, "Ranma. Ranma Saotome. Lucky bastard. Everything always goes his way. I'm the one who's always left holding the short end of the stick."

Urd made a silent request, and information flowed into her mind. Ranma Saotome. Seventeen year old martial artist, almost eighteen. Engaged twice. Kiss of marriage. Chased by a lunatic gymnast. Cursed to turn female. Make that chased by two lunatics, a kendoist wanted his female side. Pestered by an ancient martial arts pervert. Drained regularly by some kind of chi vampire. Constant run-ins with a crazed principal. Terrified of cats, which sometimes made him suffer bouts of temporary insanity. Mother at one time threatened to make him commit suicide. ... The report went on at length, causing her to raise a hand to her head dizzily, afraid that her skull might explode.

She turned to regard once more the boy in front of her, with whose background she was already familiar as a prerequisite of her arrival. ‹Kami-sama, what a whiner,› she thought to herself. ‹Blames everybody else for his troubles, won't take responsibility for his own behavior. How did _he_ get granted a wish? Must have been a glitch in the system.›

"So, I take it you don't much like this Ranma," the goddess said slyly.

Ryoga gave a strangled snort. "He always insults me, makes me look bad. He's to blame for most of what's wrong in my own life. He's got it all. And he's got the balls to complain that his life is full of problems. Damn! I only wish I had 'problems' like his."

Urd grinned. She was suddenly surrounded by a glow. Loose papers and books started to fly around the room. A beam of light shot out of the triangle on her forehead, piercing the ceiling as it went straight up into the sky. Ryoga's eyes opened wider, wondering what in the world was going on.

The beam of light shut off. The books fell to the floor. Urd's face lowered from the sky, to look Ryoga in the eyes. The boy stepped back from what he saw there, a sort of unholy glee which lit her expression.

"Wish granted," she whispered.

"Wh-wh-what?" Ryoga stammered.

"I told you I was here to grant you a wish," Urd replied, voice full of amusement. "You made a wish. It has been granted."

"Wait a minute!" the boy shouted. "What did I wish for?" He desperately tried to recall everything he had said.

"You wished that you had problems like Ranma Saotome's," Urd told him happily. "Let me get you started off properly." She held out her hand and snapped her fingers.

A large cask appeared above Ryoga's head. It suddenly turned over, dumping its liquid contents over the boy, then fell to the floor. Ryoga gave a startled shout and tried to back up, tripping over the cuff of his pants. When he landed on the floor he opened his eyes to see an empty cask, kanji characters on its side right in front of him. He read the word "Nyanniichuan."

"No!" Ryoga screamed, noting in horror that his voice was at least an octave higher. He yanked the collar of his shirt out, peering inside, to see the round swell of two breasts. With a mental shriek of terror he shoved a hand down into his pants, only to confirm that an old friend was in fact missing. "What have you done to me?!" he cried out.

"Hey, cheer up!" Urd said cajolingly. "At least you don't turn into an item for the dinner menu anymore." She turned around and stepped toward the television.

"Where are you going?!" Ryoga shrieked. "You've got to fix this!"

"Sorry," the goddess told him, with a distinct lack of sympathy. "My job was to grant you a wish. One wish. You got a wish. Time for me to go." With a final smile in the boy's direction, Urd stepped back into the television screen and disappeared.

Ryoga fell to his knees. In a soprano whisper, he cursed, "Damn you, Ranma!"

* * *

A period of time passed in which the young man did not move. This came to an end with the sound of the front door opening and closing, followed by a glad cry of, "At last! I'm home!"

Ryoga looked up in wonder and called out, "Dad?!" He winced at the sound of his soprano voice, and a look of terror passed across his face. Leaping to his feet, remembering to hold his pants legs to keep from tripping on them, he ran into the kitchen and quickly poured a glass of hot water. He dumped it over his head with a sigh of relief and noted with pleasure that the mounds on his chest had disappeared.

His father's voice from the front room was inquiring loudly. "Who said that? Who's there? Show yourself!"

"It was just me dad," Ryoga said calmly, stepping in front of the man.

"Oh, Ryoga-kun," his father said with a smile. "I haven't seen you in a long time. You startled me there. Didn't sound like yourself."

"Sorry about that." Ryoga laughed nervously. "I stubbed my toe."

The older man shrugged this off. "Here, why don't we sit down and talk?" Suiting actions to words, he walked over and sat in the chair Ryoga had recently occupied. Ryoga followed after and took another chair.

"Well I'm happy to see you boy. What's it been? Two years since we last crossed paths?"

His son chuckled weakly. "Something like that. Just before I chased after Saotome to China. A lot's happened since then."

Ryoga's father answered this with a crooked grin. "So you've indicated in the occasional notes you left for us. New martial arts techniques. Fights with tiger-men and bird-men." He added in a slyer tone, with a wink, "That girl you've been seeing lately, Akari Unryu."

Ryoga blushed. "Yeah. We got together a few times. When I've been able to find her."

His father grinned broadly. "Well, I happen to have some good news for you about that! You'll never guess what it is."

Ryoga regarded the man's cheerful tone warily. "Uh, no, I can't guess. What is it?"

His father's grin broadened even further. "Yesterday I stumbled across an old man, don't know where I was I'm afraid. I struck up a conversation with him. Guess what? Turned out he was Akari Unryu's grandfather! Imagine that! Anyway, we got to talking about the two of you, and how Akari's supposed to marry you because of some promise she made."

The wary expression on Ryoga's face increased significantly.

The older man continued. "So, the two of us decided to make a formal agreement stating that our families would be joined through your marriage to Akari-san. Swore to it on the honor of our family names. Isn't that great?"

Ryoga paled. "The two of you ... decided on an arranged marriage ... between Akari and me?"

"Yes, yes." His father was beaming. "Now all we need to do is get hold of a priest and arrange to have the ceremony! Well, that and find our way to your fiancée again. It might be nice if we could find your mother, too."

Ryoga groaned, recognizing another aspect of his wish. At least he already liked Akari, he thought to himself. As he recalled, Ranma and Akane had fought and proclaimed their dislike for each other quite a lot at first. Still, he hadn't really been thinking in terms of marriage right away. It might have been nice to date a little more first. Maybe have a chance to make up his own mind. Ryoga paused to wonder what Akari was going to think about all of this.

Before anything further could be said on the subject, both men heard the front door open and close again. A female voice chirped, "Well, well. Home at last!"

Ryoga cried out, "Mom!" at the same time his father called, "Dear!"

A mildly stout woman in her late thirties joined them. "Ryoga-kun! How wonderful to see you again! Husband! It's been much too long!"

As Ryoga got up and hugged his mother, her husband replied, "Yes it has. Good heavens, I don't remember the last time that all three of us were home together. This calls for a celebration. Particularly with the news that I have."

The woman released Ryoga, then sat on the arm of her husband's chair. She had a huge smile on her face, and told them, "That can wait dear. First I simply _must_ tell you _my_ wonderful news. You'll never guess it. Not in a million years!"

Ryoga, in a flash of intuition and dread, closed his eyes and spoke solemnly. "Let me guess anyway. I'm engaged to be married?"

"Why yes," his mother answered, clearly startled. "However did you guess?"

"Wait a minute," Ryoga's father interrupted. "How did _you_ know about it?"

Without saying another word, Ryoga stood up from his chair again, and walked purposefully over to a cabinet in the corner. Opening the door, he pulled out a bottle of sake and a glass. He carried these with him back to his chair, then poured himself a liberal dose.

"Ryoga-kun?" his mother inquired worriedly. "Since when do you drink?"

In the voice of one who foresees his doom, Ryoga replied, "Now seems like a good time to start. I want to fortify myself for what's coming." He tossed back a large swallow. "Okay, let's hear it. Who am I engaged to?"

"Er, well, I was having lunch in this simply _marvelous_ okonomiyaki restaurant over in Nerima ..."

"Oh God!" Ryoga moaned. His face sank into the hand which was not holding a glass.

"Are you all right?" his mother asked in honest worry. Her son didn't look up, but did put the glass down for a moment and waved his hand to indicate that she should continue, so she did so. "Well, the owner turned out to be this lovely young woman, who happens to be the same age as you. Her father was visiting her, and they were having an argument. It seems that there's this young man she was supposed to marry, except he'd been putting it off and putting it off, and now it looked like he decided to dump that lovely young woman in favor of someone else. Her father was most wroth about the dishonor to their family.

"Just then it occurred to me, here's this beautiful woman, the same age as you. She's available, she owns her own business, seems to be doing well at it. She'd be able to support herself during those times when my son couldn't find his way home. You're available as well, or at least, close enough for practical purposes. You haven't had more than a handful of dates with that Akari girl, and you said you were uncomfortable about her fixation on pigs."

Ryoga poured himself another shot and swallowed it. His mother continued her explanation.

"So I got to talking with her father, and described all of your good points, and the fact that you were available. The girl did make a few objections, but children these days, they don't know _what_ they want. Well, we got it all settled. Kuonji-san and I drew up a formal agreement, which renounces the previous engagement and states that you are to marry his daughter Ukyo as soon as possible."

"But dear," her husband objected. "_I_ made a formal agreement that Ryoga is to marry Akari Unryu."

His wife turned and stared at him. "Without consulting me? I'm his mother! You'll just have to get back in touch and inform them that he's engaged to marry Ukyo Kuonji."

He shook his head. "I can't do that! I swore on the honor of our family name that Ryoga would marry Akari."

The woman replied sternly, "I'm sorry to hear that, but I gave my word ..."

Unnoticed by his arguing parents, Ryoga left the room, head hanging. He took the sake bottle with him.

* * *

When Ryoga woke the next morning, he decided that he'd really rather be dead. It felt like someone had chopped a hole in his skull with an axe. He somehow managed to open an eye and looked blearily at the empty bottle on the shelf beside his bed. With a groan he closed his eye again and flopped over onto his back.

‹Would it do any good to try to convince myself that yesterday was all a bad dream?› he wondered wearily. Of course he knew that it wasn't. The empty bottle and the hangover were proof enough of that. Seeing no reason to put off the inevitable any longer, he pulled himself out of bed with another heartfelt groan.

The boy stumbled down the hallway to the furoba, where he poured himself a glass of water to rinse the foul taste out of his mouth. He yanked off his clothing, then stepped hesitantly into the bathing room and filled a pail with cold water. He sat on a stool and stared at the pail for a while before finally lifting and dumping it over his head. Ryoga grimaced as his male body was replaced by one which was decidedly female. ‹Damn! I think my chest may be even larger than Ranma's! That ain't a way I ever wanted to beat him.› Emotionally, he was quite conflicted. While ecstatic that he would never turn into a pig again, he was decidedly less than happy about being a girl.

Ryoga got up and walked over to a mirror, staring at his new body for a time, pinching his nose against incipient bleeding. His chest measurement was indeed impressive, which induced feelings of misery rather than pride. Shaggy brown hair framed a cute face with large doe-like eyes. Rather wide and unhappy eyes at the moment. He thought that he was at least a few centimeters shorter, which tallied with how he had tripped on his pants cuffs. He looked down further along his body, then looked away quickly swallowing at a lump in his throat.

After quickly bathing and taking a dip in the furo to restore his male body, Ryoga found his way to the kitchen. His mother handed him a bowl of miso soup. He took it with barely a nod of acknowledgement before sitting down to eat it. His father was also present, and Ryoga winced as his parents loudly continued the argument they had been having when he left them last night. It would have been irritating enough even without a splitting headache.

Ryoga's mother turned to face him and gave him the sort of maternal smile which makes children instinctively want to run and hide. "Ryoga-chan. I'd like you to go over to Nerima, to pay a visit to your fiancée, Ukyo-san. The two of you need to start making plans."

"And I say he should visit Akari-san!" her husband once again stated forcefully.

Before they could start another round of argument, Ryoga quickly stood. It occurred to him that if he could find his way to Nerima, then he could take out his frustrations on Ranma. That jerk was responsible for this mess, after all! On the other hand, if he got lost then at least he might have a few days of peace.

"Sure, mom," Ryoga announced. "In fact, I'll leave right now. Hopefully I'll be there in a couple of days." Not giving either of them a chance to respond, the boy hugged both of his parents, grabbed his umbrella and pack where he had left them leaning against the wall by the door, and immediately walked out of the house. He hesitated briefly upon reaching the street, then determinedly turned to his right and marched off. ‹I wonder where I'm really headed?› he mused to himself.

Half an hour later, Ryoga recognized the street down which he was walking as the one where Ucchan's was located. He stopped and stared, trying to comprehend the fact that he had walked straight there. ‹What is this? I figured I'd be walking in circles for at least a _few_ hours. Why does my lousy sense of direction have to pick _now_ of all times to work?›

Deciding to bow to the inevitable, the boy walked up to the front door of the restaurant, hesitated another few seconds, then opened the door and walked in. He immediately saw Ukyo standing behind the counter, scrubbing something furiously with a rag, while Ranma and Akane sat on seats in front of the counter eating okonomiyaki.

Ukyo looked up at the sound of the bell over her door. Her eyes narrowed in immediate recognition, then relaxed again. She gave a resigned grunt and said, "Hello, Ryoga. I guess you've heard what your mother and my father did?" Ranma and Akane both spun around to look at him.

As he walked up and took a seat beside Ranma, Ryoga answered her. "Last night. I happened to be at home when my mom showed up and shared the news."

Ranma was grinning, which made Ryoga grind his teeth. The pigtailed boy said, "Heh. Ukyo was just complaining ... um, telling us all about it. Congratulations. I'm sure that the two of you will be happy together."

Akane hit her fiancé in the shoulder. Hard. "Ranma! Don't tease them!"

Ukyo gave a heavy sigh. "So what do _you_ think about this?"

Ryoga shook his head. "I don't know _what_ to think yet. Besides, there's more to it than you know. I suppose I'd better tell you ..."

The bell over the door rang again. All four teenagers turned to look, and beheld Akari Unryu walking in. Just outside the window stood her mountain of a sumo pig, Katsunishiki. Her smile was brilliant and her eyes starry as she gazed upon her boyfriend, who was now her official fiancé.

"Ryoga! Sweetie! I'm so glad I found you! Have you heard the wonderful news yet?"

Ryoga put his face in both of his hands. "Yeah. I heard." It was said barely loud enough for everyone to hear him.

"Just think!" Akari went on, almost bubbling over in her joy. "We're engaged to be married!"

"_What_?!" shouted Ukyo. She stared at the other girl for several long seconds, then transferred a blazing glare to Ryoga. She spun around, clenching her fists, fingernails digging into her palms. The others could just make out her murmurs as she counted off numbers. Slowly her arm reached out to seize her battle spatula where it leaned against the counter. Through gritted teeth she proclaimed. "I don't believe this! I don't effing _believe_ this! What kami did I piss off to deserve this?!"

Ranma got up, deciding he'd better get between Ukyo and Ryoga. After all, he didn't want to see his friend Ucchan convicted for murder. Out of the corner of his mouth he said to Ryoga, "What are you up to, buddy? This sounds like _my_ sort of problem."

Ryoga bared his fangs and turned the full force of his glare on Ranma. A green aura burst out around him, and grew rapidly in intensity. The martial artists present instantly recognized the first stage of a Shi Shi Hokodan strike. Ukyo screamed, "Not in my store! Get him out!"

Ranma exclaimed, "Oh hell!" He jumped for the front door and ran down the street, with Ryoga hot on his heels. Ukyo grabbed a kettle of hot water, figuring that Ranma wouldn't be able to avoid his curse once this sort of chaos got started. The three girls took off after the boys, with the pig thundering behind.

"What's going on?" Akari asked desperately.

Ukyo responded angrily, "Yesterday Ryoga's mother and my idiot father got Ryoga and me engaged."

"No!" Akari wailed, breathlessly. "He's supposed to marry me! How could he get engaged to you?"

"Welcome to the club," Akane told her with something between bitterness and amusement, thinking about her own situation with Ranma. At least Ukyo appeared to no longer be a rival in that regard. As the girls passed by an appliance store, Akane caught sight of some televisions in the window which showed a stout man running in a zigzag across a park. He was being chased by a policeman and several young women, and several others joined the chase during the few seconds before she passed by. The BBC logo was scrolling up the screens.

Up ahead, the two boys had just passed the Nekohanten, where Shampoo was loading something on her bicycle while talking to Mousse. The two Chinese teenagers turned to stare after Ranma and Ryoga, then dropped what they were doing to join the pursuit beside the three Japanese girls. Shampoo did so because all of these people seemed to be chasing after her airen. Mousse ran after for no better reason than because Shampoo did, and perhaps out of a vague idea that he might have a chance to protect her from some unspecified danger.

There was a shout behind them of "Where are you going?" as the two café employees ran off. A moment later the ancient Amazon Cologne caught up with them, pogoing along on her staff. When she realized that her prospective son-in-law Ranma appeared once more to be at the center of trouble, she dropped her intention to haul Shampoo and Mousse back to the restaurant and instead joined in the chase.

Ranma stopped in the middle of a vacant lot which wouldn't take too much damage if the other boy fired off the Shi Shi Hokodan he had threatened. Ryoga ran toward him without pause and the fight was on. By the time the others arrived, they were punching, kicking, jumping and slamming each other into the ground, leaving craters with each impact. The onlookers bit their nails, watched with amused interest, or cheered on one or the other of the combatants according to their inclinations.

A passing cloud drizzled a small amount of water over everyone, just enough to trigger Jusenkyo curses. Ukyo spared a little of the hot water she had brought to transform the cat and duck beside her back into Shampoo and Mousse. Out on the lot Ranma, who was now a red-haired girl, took his eyes off of his opponent as the water struck to look in horrified worry toward Akane, wondering how she was going to take Ryoga's transformation into her little pig P-chan. Thus he never saw the punch which buried itself in his gut, or the followup kick which caught him in the side of the head. Ranma dropped to the ground, unconscious.

The four girls ran over. Shampoo looked on in worry as Akane cradled the unconscious Ranma's head in her lap. The sight made her very jealous, but even stronger was a bitter depression from the foreknowledge of inevitable defeat. Ever since Jusendo she had known which way the wind was blowing, though she had tried to hide it from herself. Her eyes snapped up to Ryoga, narrowing dangerously, thinking about how the boy in front of her had just hurt Ranma. Shampoo decided to transmute these feelings of jealousy and depression into anger.

In the meantime, Ukyo had poured a little water on Ranma to change him back to male, then had turned toward Ryoga. Lifting an eyebrow, she had asked, "Jusenkyo curse?" At his nod she had merely sighed again, then poured the remaining hot water on his head. Ryoga looked down at his once more male body in relief.

Akari was looking at her fiancé in puzzlement. "I don't understand, sweetie. Why did you change into a girl? Don't you change into a pig anymore?"

Akane's own head shot up to stare in horror at Ryoga. "Pig?" she asked weakly. "You ... turn into ... a pig?" All of Ranma's insults passed through her mind, all the times he called Ryoga 'P-chan.' All the times he called P-chan 'Ryoga.' The horror gave way to fury, and she shifted position in preparation to get up.

Shampoo, already angry with Ryoga, allowed a hand to come down on Akane's shoulder. "Airen need you," she said sadly. "Shampoo take care of pig-boy." From out of nowhere the Amazon warrior was suddenly holding two massive chui. "Pig-boy die now!"

Cologne called out her great-granddaughter's name, but Shampoo ignored the old woman. She leaped for Ryoga, who backpedaled hurriedly. He was unable to escape however, and was soon defending himself vigorously. One of the maces caught him in the ribs, but Ryoga had been trained to shrug off blows from boulders. With a spin he was behind Shampoo, and a punch behind her ear sent her crashing to the ground.

Ryoga stood there breathing hard as Cologne stepped up and examined her heir. Off to the side Ranma had regained consciousness, and Akane was filling him in on everything that had happened.

"He turns into a _what_?!" Ranma yelped.

Ryoga heard the startled cry from his rival but ignored him for the moment, his attention focused on his more recent attacker. Now that it was over he was feeling rather ashamed about knocking out a girl. Shampoo finally stirred and slowly climbed to her feet. Ryoga tensed, wondering whether she might decide to attack again.

Once the girl was steady on her feet, Cologne hissed through tightly clenched teeth, "Shampoo, you know our laws!"

The old crone's heir stared at the matriarch, perplexed by the reprimand. Then her eyes cleared, and a look of shock entered them. "No!" she whispered in horror. Then louder, almost pleading, "No!"

"Yes!" Cologne insisted, extremely annoyed by this turn of events. She was not at all happy about losing the chance to add Ranma's blood to the tribe. "He defeated your husband-to-be. Then he defeated _you_. Do your duty."

Shampoo hung her head while Ryoga watched all of this in confusion. When the girl looked up again, there was a bit of moisture in the corner of her eye. Shampoo bit her lip, then walked right up to him. There was nothing threatening in her stance, so Ryoga just stood there, wondering what was going on.

When Shampoo stopped immediately in front of him, she suddenly leaned forward and kissed Ryoga on the lips. His brain fried, and a trickle of blood slid out of one nostril. The girl pulled back and whispered, "Wo ai ni, _airen_."

Ryoga finally sprang back, as it came upon him what was happening. "Oh no, noooooo!" he groaned. He was looking around from side to side wildly, wondering how to escape.

Off to the side, Ranma and Akane were both sporting expressions of pleased enlightenment, and Ranma called out congratulations to his rival for winning his new bride. Akari looked confused, and was asking everyone what was happening, which Akane proceeded to explain. Ukyo had her face in her hand, muttering, "I really, _really_ don't believe this!"

Coming out of his own stunned shock at last, Mousse cried out, "Hibiki! You depraved womanizer! How dare you try to steal my Shampoo!" Chains and knives shot out of the sleeves of his robe, which Ryoga barely managed to dodge. Considering all of his options quickly, Ryoga decided that now would be a good time to make use of the Saotome Secret Technique which he'd seen Ranma use before. He turned and ran as fast as he could, with Mousse in hot pursuit.

Back in the vacant lot, Akari was saying, "Do you mean to tell me that _my_ fiancée, Ryoga Hibiki, has promised to marry two other girls as well?"

Akane shrugged. "More or less. Now that I know what a pervert he is, I can't say that I'm surprised. I mean, the _nerve_ of him, using his curse to sleep in my bed! He'd better hope I don't manage to get _my_ hands on him!"

Akari wailed. "Wait! Just a minute! _What_ did you say? He _slept_ with you?"

Akane grimaced. "In his pig form. I thought he was my pet."

Akari's eyes had gone wide. Her mouth was opening and closing like a fish. "Ooh ... I don't ... Ooh ... I can't believe he'd ... Ryoga Hibiki ... You just wait ..."

Akane looked at the other girl sympathetically. Coming to a decision, she pulled a mallet out of thin air and held it out. It was surrounded by a faint blue glow. "Here, would you like to borrow this?" she inquired.

Akari leaned forward for a closer look. Engraved on the handle were the words, "Mallet o' Doom TM pat. pending." Reaching out, she took hold of the weapon, hefting it experimentally. "Thank you," she replied with stately dignity. Her voice carried an ominous tone, like a toll of doom.

* * *

By the time Ryoga decided he had lost Mousse he was outside of Nerima entirely. Looking around, he recognized his surroundings as part of the next ward to the south, Suginami. He paused to wonder how he knew where he was but then chose to ignore the question as being of no immediate consequence. He was hungry but didn't have very much money on him. Looking around, Ryoga saw a store which was advertising a steep discount on fish sausage. The boy shrugged his shoulders, then went in and bought a significant quantity. He stuffed the bags with his purchases into his pockets.

Walking down the street once more and munching on some sausage, the brief interval of peace was interrupted with a cry of "There you are!" Turning around he saw Mousse preparing to attack again, despite the fact that they were surrounded by innocent bystanders. Looking around quickly, Ryoga shouted, "Follow me!" and took off running with Mousse close behind.

Ryoga ran onto what appeared to be a vacant lot. Screaming imprecations, Mousse fired more chains from his sleeves and this time he did not miss. Ryoga found himself wrapped in the chains, arms pinned close to his side, unable to find sufficient leverage to use his strength to break them. He lost his struggle to stay upright and fell over, landing heavily on a piece of plywood.

The "empty lot" had been an abandoned apartment building two days before. This building had been demolished just before the weekend, dropping tons of masonry, wood and other debris into what was once its basement, leaving a slight mound above ground level. The workers had then posted signs warning people of the danger and left, planning to begin clearing the site on the coming Monday.

When Ryoga hit the plywood he broke through, falling into a cavity below ground, a space which had not been filled in by the collapsing rubble. The impact with the concrete floor drove the breath from the boy's lungs.

Far above, he faintly heard the Chinese boy's voice calling, "Hibiki! Hibiki, where are you? Come back and fight! Aha, there you are ..." The final words were filled with glee and Mousse's voice faded away.

Ryoga suddenly realized what was happening. Tightly bound by chains which would take time and effort to escape, his simplest chance of rescue was leaving. He began to shout, "Mousse! Put your damn glasses on! Mousse, I'm down here! Mousse, you idiot, get back here right now!" With a last grumble he let his head drop back to the floor, accepting with resignation the fact that Mousse was gone. He started squirming, hoping that he could loosen the chains.

A small sound came from the side, followed by an inquisitive "Meow?" Ryoga turned and saw a cat approaching. Others appeared behind it. Over the years, a colony of cats had made their home in the basement of the abandoned building. The demolition of the building two days ago had trapped them there, with nothing to eat.

Ryoga's sudden appearance had sent them scurrying for cover, but as he lay there unmoving they regained their courage and ventured closer. Then their noses caught the scent of the fish sausage filling his pockets. Tongues came out, licking around their mouths. Growls began. The creatures began slowly stalking toward him.

"N-n-nice kitty," Ryoga stammered.

The nearest animal laid its ears back and bared its fangs, hissing. It was no 'nice kitty.' It was a feral cat, scarred with the badges of a hundred vicious fights. It extended a paw in warning, claws extended, swiping at the air. As the others approached, the growls increased in intensity.

"O-oh sh-shit!" Ryoga vented. "Urd, wh-wherever you are, I h-hope the next t-television you use is doing a sh-show on alligators!"

Somewhere, a goddess sneezed.

* * *

Nabiki Tendo prided herself on keeping abreast of current events. As she collected reports on the fights earlier that day, the new engagements, and Mousse's chase of Ryoga across two wards of Tokyo, it became clear that for some reason Ryoga was currently the recipient of the chaotic twists of fate to which Ranma was usually subjected. Coupled with how things had been calming down recently where her sister's fiancé Ranma was concerned, she was naturally forced to wonder if some cosmic transfer of karma were taking place.

Nabiki liked making money. She liked it quite a lot. More than anything else in fact. She liked it more than sex, for example, although she didn't think this was saying much, as she considered sex to be highly overrated. Which says something rather unfortunate about Nabiki's taste in men, and perhaps also that skill in blackmail and extortion does not imply skill in other arts.

Still it could not be denied that Nabiki loved to make money. She sensed a shift in the winds. Ranma Saotome had been a reliable source of income for the better part of two years, due in large part to the chaos which accompanied him. Now she sensed that chaos shifting, and felt it was time to follow the shift. She started making phone calls, planning ways to exploit events surrounding Ryoga Hibiki. In particular, one of those telephone calls was made to Tatewaki Kuno, kendo master and would-be samurai.

Nabiki's call had found Tatewaki sitting alone in his room, though doubtless he would not have described his state of mind as 'moping.' He had been staring at the photographs adorning his wall, pictures of Akane Tendo and the red-haired girl he knew only as his 'pigtailed goddess.' For most of two years now they had resisted his every advance and offer of aid, and not even his delusions could shield his mind from reality indefinitely. Loathe though he was to admit it, the conviction was seizing hold of his mind that his love for these two pinnacles of femininity was destined never to bear result.

He was thus only to happy to turn his mind to action, answering Nabiki's plea to rescue a damsel in distress. Kuno set out with his trusty bokken, seeking the girl described by Nabiki who was being abducted by a pig. He roamed the streets of Nerima for a little under an hour before coming across that which he sought. Just up ahead a huge pig was barreling down the road, a young woman clutching desperately to its back, obviously in fear of what should happen if she were thrown off. Kuno moved to intercept the creature's advance.

Akari nearly fell to the ground as her mount came to a sudden stop. From just ahead she heard a voice cry out, "Halt, vile beast!"

The girl looked between her pig's ears to see a young man standing imperiously before them, holding a wooden blade which was pointed straight at them. "Who are you?" she asked curiously.

"Fear not, fair maiden," the boy told her. "For I am the Blue Thunder, Tatewaki Kuno, and I am here to rescue you."

"I ... uh ... don't really need rescuing," she offered pleasantly.

"Oh brave flower that you are! Such courage you show in the face of danger!" Looking more closely, Kuno saw that the girl was indeed very pretty. "I swear to you that it shall take but a moment for me to subdue this monster. I shall then satisfy your fondest desire and take you out on a date."

Akari's eyes narrowed. She slid to the ground to stand beside her sumo pig. In a cold voice she commanded, "Katsunishiki, kill!"

The fight was intense but brief. A few minutes later a weak voice emerged from somewhere underneath the pig's vast bulk. "It is ... but a temporary setback ... fair one. ... I shall yet ... emerge victorious and ..."

Akari tilted her head and listened for a couple of minutes before concluding that there would be no more. With a nod of satisfaction she remounted and rode off. Twenty minutes later Tatewaki slowly peeled himself out of a depression in the asphalt which was molded to the shape of his body.

* * *

The next morning at Ryoga's house, Akari was sitting at the table with her fiancé's parents, complaining about their son's womanizing ways. She had gone there hoping to find Ryoga only to find that he had not returned home the previous night (to no one's surprise), and the boy's father had invited her to join them for breakfast. The older man was sympathizing with the young woman, while trying to point out that he was sure it was not all Ryoga's fault. His wife looked on disapprovingly.

The conversation was interrupted unexpectedly by a howl from outside the back door, the door which led from the kitchen to the yard. Everyone jumped up from the table startled. Ryoga's father picked up a rolling pin and stepped cautiously toward the sound. Before he could reach it, the door fell apart into several separate planks of wood to reveal Ryoga squatting on the other side, one hand held out in front with his fingers extended. He spoke to them querulously, "Mrowwr!"

His father backed away warily, as Ryoga crept into the kitchen on all fours, sniffing ostentatiously. He looked up with a sudden happy expression, and Akari swallowed heavily as she found herself pinned by his gaze. With a quick leap, Ryoga knocked the girl to the floor where he lay across her lap purring contentedly.

"Ryoga sweetie?" she inquired, bewildered.

The boy looked up into her face, smiling, then in one quick motion darted his head upward and kissed her on the lips. Akari drew her face back instantly in surprise.

"Well you two seem to be getting along much better than I realized," Ryoga's mother said acidly. "What's wrong with my son?"

"I don't know!" Akari wailed. "And he's _very_ heavy. Could you help get him off of me." The girl was pushing against him uselessly.

His father came over and started pulling, but Ryoga resisted. After grunting with effort for over a minute, the older man surrendered. "He doesn't want to come off," he apologized.

"Perhaps if we change him into a girl?" Akari suggested. "He's shorter that way, and probably a lot lighter."

The two adults stared at the teenager as if she had gone insane. "What do you mean, turn him into a girl?" his mother finally asked in a shaking voice, while wondering what authorities she should contact to have Akari committed.

"You mean you didn't know he has a Jusenkyo curse?" Akari asked innocently. "Oh ... but I guess you didn't know it changed. You probably think he still turns into a cute little pig."

"A ... a pig?" his mother asked in an even more faint voice.

"Yes," the girl answered impatiently. "Oh, just pour some cold water on him! You'll see."

Deciding to humor the girl despite her apparent delusions, Ryoga's father filled a glass with some water. After all, whatever her rationale, it really wasn't such a bad idea to try to bring the boy back to himself by splashing him with some water. The man poured a little onto his son's face. Ryoga's features shifted, becoming a pretty and very buxom young woman, her face framed by brown hair secured by a bandanna. His mother collapsed in a near faint, but was caught by her husband who fell to sit heavily on the floor. "Ryoga-kun? Son?" the man inquired in terror.

Ryoga stretched his arms out wide, then got a nosebleed as he saw what this did to his chest. He turned to regard his parents with a pained grimace, half self-pitying and half scared of their reaction. "Hi Mom. Dad. I, uh ... I guess I should explain ..."

* * *

It took some time to reassure his parents that he was basically all right. They talked for a good portion of that day, a discussion during which his mother decided that some changes needed to be made. Around mid-afternoon, freshly bathed and in clean clothing, Ryoga and Akari finally left the house together.

Ryoga had offered to escort Akari back to her farm, where he hoped they could talk privately, though of course he allowed her to lead the way. Thus the three of them were walking down a road together, Ryoga, Akari and Katsunishiki. They crossed into Nerima. Ryoga only hoped they wouldn't accidentally run into Ukyo or Shampoo. After a moment's thought he added Mousse and Cologne to that list.

As they walked, Ryoga was complaining. "I can't believe my Mom insisted I had to enroll in high school. I'll have to be in the class with the first year students! They're all two years younger than me! All because she decided I'd been running around wild too much the last couple of years."

"Well _I_ think it's a good idea," Akari told him. "I'd _much_ rather that my future husband was a high school graduate."

Ryoga shrugged, not thrilled by the prospect but bowing to what seemed the inevitable. "At least she's enrolling me in Shakujii High School there in Itabashi. I was terrified for a crazy minute that she'd make me go to Furinkan in Nerima. Though I don't know which thought frightened me more, having to put up with the crazy principal and teachers that Ranma deals with, or having to call Ranma 'senpai'." The boy shuddered. "Thank God I'll be spared those worries at least."

Meanwhile some kilometers away, Ranma and Akane were walking home from school together. Akane was saying, "Okay, that was unusual."

Ranma grinned. "I'm sure as hell not gonna complain."

Akane shook her head and smiled as well. "Me either. It'll be nice not having to put up with them after the school year ends next week. But did you notice? When the principal made the announcement, he didn't bother to explain _why_ he was taking over as principal at Shakujii High School next year."

Ranma shrugged. "What puzzles me is why he's taking Ninomiya-sensei with him as well. I didn't think he and Hinako got along very well. At least, not since the Repentance Room disaster."

"I don't know either," Akane replied. "But let's not question it. Let's just be happy." Ranma nodded his agreement and they continued on their way peacefully.

Back in the other part of town, Ryoga looked up as a commotion approached down the road from in front of them. He quickly recognized the perverted and ancient martial arts master Happosai bounding along in front, a sack slung over his back. Chasing him were Kodachi Kuno and several other girls wearing leotards.

"Stop, you locker room spy and underwear thief!" Kodachi screamed.

Happosai turned his head to look back over his shoulder and stick out his tongue at the pursuing girls. One could only hope that he did so as a taunt and not as an invitation. Be that as it may, the old man wasn't looking where he was going and his head collided with Ryoga's foot. Happosai fell to the ground, dazed, the sack released from his grasp.

The girls caught up and began beating on the elderly pervert with gymnastics clubs. Kodachi stepped up to Ryoga and said, "Thank you, kind sir, for your assistance." She then took a closer look at the young man and licked her lips. He was a strong, healthy specimen of masculinity, quite the looker if one ignored the small point of a tooth protruding from his upper lip. Or perhaps that little detail just made him more ... interesting.

Ignoring the girl and pig as irrelevant, Kodachi flowed into an embrace with the boy, twining her arms around him. "Perhaps you will permit me to show you just _how_ ... thankful ... I am? We might dine together tonight, yes?"

Through clenched teeth, Akari demanded, "Ryoga ... _sweetie_ ... who ... is ... _this_?"

Ryoga broke out into a cold sweat. "Kodachi Kuno. One of Ranma's girlfriends." He turned from Akari to Kodachi, eyeing her very nervously. "You remember Ranma, right? Pigtail? Lives with the Tendo's?"

"You _know_ me!" Kodachi laughed gaily. "How wonderful!" She gave a moue of displeasure. "Please don't speak to me of Ranma Saotome any further. I have been thinking matters over since he _dared_ attempt to marry that harridan of a Tendo girl." She trailed a finger across Ryoga's chest. "Besides, you're _much_ more handsome."

"Ryooogaaaa!" Akari growled. A mallet appeared in her hand.

"Hey!" Ryoga exclaimed. "This wasn't _my_ idea!"

"Then _why_ are you still holding her?!" Akari loudly demanded to know.

Kodachi smirked evilly. "Obviously he prefers a woman of elegance to a girl who associates with farm animals." Turning back to Ryoga she told him, "I'm afraid I really must be off now. I'll find you later. Au revoir, as the French say!" She ran off down the road, chuckling madly.

Ryoga looked up at the sky and screamed. "What else can go wrong?!"

He was answered by Tatewaki Kuno, who spake thus, "You there! How dare you stand so close to the woman I love! Step away, varlet!"

Akari turned to see the boy who had accosted her earlier. "What are you talking about? This is my fiancé, Ryoga Hibiki."

Kuno's eyes narrowed dangerously. Luckily he had experience in such matters, though he swore that this time he would achieve greater success. "I see. You are clearly a foul sorcerer who holds this fair maiden's heart under his evil spell. I shall strike you down and so free her, that she may recognize her love for me."

Happosai chose that moment to wake up. His eye immediately fell upon the pretty teenager standing beside a boy he recognized as having a Jusenkyo curse which turned him into a pig. Chuckling evilly, he seized a pail of water which by remarkable coincidence was right at hand, and threw the contents at Ryoga. He dropped the pail in shock when, instead of a small black pig, he beheld a gorgeous young woman, whose wet shirt was plastered enticingly to her very well developed chest.

"Sweeto!" Happosai cried, latching himself onto Ryoga's front. "You ... you're even _more_ beautiful than Ranma-chan! I promise that I will give you _all_ of my attentions henceforth!"

Akari, remembering the mallet in her hand, sent Happosai sailing off into the stratosphere. Kuno was looking all around, wondering where the sorcerer Hibiki had disappeared. Scowling fiercely, Ryoga stepped up behind Kuno and slammed him into a nearby wall. Tatewaki slid to a sitting position, staring up at the vision of loveliness who had accosted him.

"Stay away from Akari!" Ryoga shouted.

"Who ... who are you?" Kuno inquired breathlessly. His blood was singing at the sight before him.

"I'm Ryoga!" was the answer.

"You ... you're Ryoga's?" repeated Kuno shakily. "Noooo! That foul sorcerer Hibiki has enslaved you as well! Fear not, my bandanna'd beauty, I shall put an end to his perfidy, so that we may be together!"

"Arggh!" screamed Ryoga. "That's - not - what - I - said!" Each word was punctuated with a punch. Kuno fell the rest of the way to the ground, unconscious.

Akari put a hand delicately on his arm. "Come on, Ryoga-chan. Let's go home." Bowing his head, hoping he could find some hot water soon, Ryoga trailed along behind her.

* * *

A few weeks later, Ranma and Akane were perched atop the wall surrounding the Tendo home, facing the street and sharing a box of pocky. Ryoga ran past below them. Close on his heels were Akari atop Katsunishiki, Ukyo, Shampoo, Kodachi, Tatewaki and Mousse. Sitting on a wall on the opposite side of the street were Cologne and Happosai, both smoking pipes, and occasionally laughing at something the other said. They seemed to be sharing some mutual amusement concerning the chase passing by.

It wasn't that these four spectators had miraculously appeared on the scene just in time to witness the people in the street run by. The pursuit had been going on for a couple of hours already, and other people further down the road were also watching. For some reason the parade ran down this street every fifteen minutes or so. It probably had something to do with the curses Ryoga shouted at Ranma each time he ran past.

"I wonder why most of the trouble shifted from you to him?" Akane asked, not really expecting an answer.

"The dummy made a stupid wish," came the amused answer from her other side. Akane and Ranma both turned and stared at the dark-skinned woman with the white hair who was now sitting on the wall. Her chin was resting on one fist as she watched the group disappear down the road.

"Who are you?" asked Ranma. "And what was that about a wish?"

"The name's Urd," came the casual reply. "Goddess. The Hibiki boy's name came up as the recipient of a wish a while back and I was sent to grant it. I didn't much care for his attitude though. I thought it might be amusing to stop by and see how he was doing with it."

It says something of the life they led that neither Ranma nor Akane was very much surprised to be having a conversation with a real live goddess. Akane inquired, "What did he wish for? If you don't mind me asking."

Urd gave a soft laugh. "He said he wished he had problems like Ranma's. I don't think he meant it the way I took it though. Silly twerp."

Ranma gave a surprised snort. Then laughed harder. Akane's mouth was hidden behind her hand, as she pretended to cough. Ranma said, "So now Ukyo, Shampoo and Kodachi are chasing him instead of me. Thanks. Really. And Akari is sort of his version of Akane."

Urd nodded. "And your former principal and homeroom teacher are now at his school. He also learned the neko-ken as well. And a few other things." She shrugged. "Hey, it's not all bad. Changing into a girl _has_ to be better than being a pig. And I threw in a fix for his sense of direction."

Ranma reached over and put an arm around Akane's shoulders. After a moment's hesitation, she permitted this. Ranma said, "Thanks for not getting Akane engaged to him as well."

Urd smiled. "He wished for problems. You don't see your engagement to Miss Tendo here as a problem any longer. Do you?" Blushing slightly, Ranma shook his head. Akane smiled, also blushing faintly.

The parade came running down the road again. Seeing the white-haired figure who was now also sitting on the wall, Ryoga's face twisted in fury. The curses he shouted as he went by this time were louder, and much worse.

"Tsk, tsk," Urd murmured. She snapped her fingers, and a cat suddenly jumped out into the street in front of Ryoga. There was a loud scream.

Ranma turned away from the sight quickly, heart pounding. "Um ... if you're a goddess ... and you grant wishes ... I don't suppose ...?"

Urd smiled gently. "Sorry kid. Nobody's authorized a wish for you. I'm afraid you're just going to have to live with the curse for the time being. Well, afraid I can't stick around. My sister's getting married in a couple of months. Which is about time, if you ask me. I'm supposed to be helping her with the planning." She stood up, and Akane could have sworn she heard her murmur, "Wish there was a television out here. It's always harder this way." Then she was gone.

Akane looked down the street, her eyebrows creased with faint worry as she watched Ryoga dart around erratically with the cat clinging to the leg of his pants. "Do you think we should help him?"

Ranma shook his head. "Naw. He's tough. Besides, it's what he wished for. Come on, why don't we go spar?" Together they jumped back down into the yard.

* * *

Many months passed. Tatewaki Kuno became more and more despondent that he wasn't able to free his two loves from the foul sorcerer Ryoga Hibiki. He looked around at the luxurious but sterile environment of his home, wondering if he would ever have a woman admit her love for him. He thought of the last shouted conversation he had with the womanizer Hibiki, and how the boy had the nerve to complain about his problems. 'Problems,' hah!

Tatewaki picked up the telephone beside him and dialed Nabiki Tendo's number, to make arrangements to purchase the latest information and photographs. He waited patiently as it rang. With a click, the other end was finally picked up.

"Hello. Goddess Relief Hotline. Urd speaking."

**THE END **

* * *

**Author's note:**

Related sites on the web: Please visit my profile page for information on upcoming chapters or stories, by clicking on my name at the top of this chapter. My profile also has links to my web site, LiveJournal site and forum. The web site contains the official versions of my stories. The LiveJournal site provides updates on what I am working upon at any given time. The forum is a place to discuss my stories or _Ranma 1/2_ in general.


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